If you ask me the most common thing I hear when someone finds out I’m a foster parent, it’s some variation on this statement: “I could never give them up.” As tired as I sometimes get of hearing that phrase, the sentiment behind it represents a real fear, not just for those who would never consider foster parenting, but for many people who are thinking about it or doing it. How do you handle the grief of caring for a child and then losing them? Unless you’ve experienced this, it’s impossible to imagine.

And yet, this is a part of what foster parents do. We take the risk to love, even knowing loss might be a part of it. We look that fear in the face and refuse to let it hold us back, for this one simple reason: these children are worth the risk.

It is possible, I suppose, to go through the motions of caring for a child without bonding with them. You could provide food and shelter, teach and protect them, advocate for them and get them all of the help and services that they need, all while walling off your heart in an attempt to protect yourself from what the future may hold. But the only way I know to do that is to hold them at a distance, which means depriving them of what they need most from you: attachment, connection, love.

Even more than they need food on the table and a safe place to sleep at night, kids need safe, loving, healthy attachment. No matter what their circumstances were before coming to you, no matter what uncertain bonds they may have formed with their birth parents, being ripped forcefully from those circumstances has left them with a gaping hole. Whether they acknowledge it or not, they desperately need to bond with you, which means that you need to bond with them as well. 

And this need to bond still exists even if a child is still visiting with his birth family. Building and maintaining those connections is a critical part of the effort toward reunification. But the need for a bond with a biological parent does not mean the bond with the foster parent is any less critical. Both connections play a role in the child’s healing process, and both should be valued and pursued.

Oftentimes, our foster children have uncertain futures. They may be with us for a week or a month or a year or forever. Not only that, but our expectation of the way things will play out can change over time. This uncertainty is the choice we make when we sign up to be foster parents. We enter into a child’s burden and offer to share the load, even knowing it will increase our own. We trust that as emotionally stable adults, we can shoulder the grief that may come our way. They need us to love them desperately, so we put ourselves aside in order to do what is best for them.

After all, isn’t that what being a parent is all about?

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First, contact your local foster agency. Depending on your state, there may be one universal foster agency or many, including those that may specialize in more difficult to handle cases such as physical, mental, or emotional disabilities. Do your homework and don’t hesitate to ask for information from multiple agencies in order to ensure that the agency you go with is the best fit for your family.

Once you have contacted an agency, they will usually conduct an initial interview with you to ensure you and your family will most likely meet the requirements to become a foster family. This can be done via email, over the phone, or in person. Most likely, the representative will want to meet with you in your home and speak with your family face-to-face. Please note that this is not a home study. It is simply an interview to ensure that fostering is a viable option for you and that the foster agency you have chosen to work with is a good fit.

The next part of the fostering process will begin when the representative sends you a copy of the official application to become a foster parent. The application is usually quite large and will often include many other verifications that you must provide or obtain yourself. These verifications may be but are not limited to: a copy of your marriage certificate (if you are married), proof of income, proof that all vaccinations are up to date, a detailed family history, a health form, CPR and or First Aid Certifications, questioners regarding your availability, what behaviors you are willing to work with in your home, as well as your family structure, rules, and habits. The application is very thorough and will take time to complete. Your representative should be able to answer any questions you have and are usually more than happy to help you with any part of the application you are struggling with.

A very thorough background check is also usually part of the application, but it is most often submitted before the rest of the application. They can be a simple as a one page application turned into the appropriate office, or as complex as a multi-page application as well as fingerprinting, depending on the state. Be sure to follow all instructions to ensure you do not have to repeat or slow down the process. 

Once you have been entered into the system but not necessarily before you’ve finished the application and turned in all of the required documents, you will be required to take a series of classes to prepare you for fostering. The length, and content of these classes are determined both by the state and the foster agency you are working with. Generally speaking, most programs require between eight and twelve classes with one hundred percent attendance. Tests may or may not be required based on these trainings; again, this depends on your foster agency and the state in which you reside. (Of course, these classe don’t always teach you everything you need to know, so read this!)

In most states after your background check has cleared, you will become eligible for a home visit to be conducted. These visits are inspections done by a licensed professional to ensure that the environment is safe and healthy for children and that all state regulations are being followed. These may or may not include, but are not limited to: having one or more escape ladders on any non-ground level floor of the home, locks installed on cabinets and/or drawers containing any hazardous chemicals, medications, or dangerous objects, a fire extinguisher in the home, specifications on how to store any guns and ammunition, carbon monoxide detectors on every floor of the home, smoke detectors on every floor of the home, as well as a general good standard of cleanliness. If you do not pass the first time, do not panic, often times the inspector will point out the infraction, give advice on how to bring the home up to code, and schedule another inspection in the near future. 

Once the background check, application, and home inspection are completed, you will be cleared to be a foster parent. Depending on your state and its needs, you may have a child in your home within hours of being cleared for fostering or you may have to wait for months.

Be patient with the process and yourself. Fostering a child is a big commitment and the professionals working with them want to ensure that the children in their custody are going to safe, healthy, happy homes. The process is laborious and detailed in part to weed out those who do not have the necessary patience or attention to detail needed to be a foster parent. Reach out to your foster representative to help you smooth out any bumps in the road. They are ready and willing to help you.

Becoming a foster parent is an incredible opportunity to make a real difference in the lives of children and your community. The process is to ensure that children go to the best homes possible where they can thrive and heal surrounded by people who will give them the love, devotion, and care they deserve. Stay strong, be resilient, and you will receive the amazing opportunity to watch and assist children as they rise from the cruelest of circumstances and become strong, healthy, self-reliant adults.

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As we head into the holiday season, we especially begin to think about family traditions. When the world of foster care and family traditions collide, we can get ourselves into some sticky situations without even realizing where we went wrong. Here are some fun tips and tricks to try or consider when new foster children are placed in your home.

The key is to incorporate our newest family members, no matter how temporary, and not alienate their own sense of family identity in the process.

•        Ask them! Number one on the list is to consider the newest family members.

o   What did they do before your home?

o   What did they enjoy?

o   What do they never want to do again?

o   Are there cultural differences that you should be looking into?

o   Were the traditions that they had appropriate? And if not, how can you explain why not and offer a new idea or approach?

–        For example; we had one placement where the children were required to attend church service through the holiday season for the purpose of receiving Christmas toys. I am not debating that church was not a positive experience, but the intention needed to be redirected to fit what the actual purpose should’ve been.

•        Christmas Ornaments

o    Are you decorating a tree this year? What better way than to include your newest family members by giving them some personalized ornaments or letting them pick a color of glass balls to add to your tree. The nicest part of Christmas ornaments is how transportable they are. Your kiddos are reunited? They can go with them. Amazon even sells “Baby’s First Christmas” ornaments backdated from whatever year your child was born, so if the other kids in your home each have one, you can purchase one for your foster child too! If you think that this will in some way alienate the birth parents or make the child uncomfortable, just let them pick an ornament and you can intentionally add those to your tree–they can even be purchased at a local dollar store. In this case, it truly is the thought that counts! Remember, holidays can be a really sore subject for newly placed foster children, so make sure that you are understanding of how involved they wish to be–or not involved! 

•        New Year’s Eve Wishes

o    Sometimes (most of the time) the placement itself can be very traumatic; children may be conflicted between their new safety and missing their family. Often even if the placement hasn’t been that long, a new year can signal feelings for foster children of desperation at the idea that they are STILL in foster care. Throw a party at home. Possibly invite some friends of theirs to celebrate with. Rather than leave children at home with a sitter, this may be a time to spend with your children. Let them know that we all are hoping for the best and that you will be there for them no matter how long it takes!

•        Easter Egg Hunt

o   The nicest part of an Easter Egg hunt is that this can be done at really any time around Easter. So if the foster children end up at a visit over the holiday, you are still able to do this without any issues. Even older children sometimes enjoy events such as these when coming into foster care because they may have never had this experience before. Steer clear of putting money or change in the eggs. In my personal experience, money can trigger some feelings of their past and send mixed messages. Very small trinkets, toys, or candy keep the mood lighthearted.

•        Spring Cleaning

o   This is not a holiday, but definitely is something you can start a family tradition with. Children in foster care may truly enjoy being able to feel like they are able to “give back” to others that are less fortunate. If you take some time to clean out old clothes or toys and look into local organizations that take donations, include your foster children! Let them help decide what can be donated and organize it. Have them help deliver the goods. Giving to others makes everyone happy.

•        Camping

o   This can go one of two ways. You should take time to gauge the child and their feelings before introducing the idea. Some children are in love with nature and will love to unplug and enjoy a weekend in a tent. For others, this can spark some serious worry and concern when they aren’t able to understand that the camping is intentional, only for a set time, and that you will be returning to your home afterward. When camping is received well by a child it can be one of the most therapeutic opportunities and memories for them. So don’t miss the chance to enjoy this tradition when you can!

•        Garden Stones

o    Okay, so you aren’t adding handprints to your sidewalk anytime soon. But I bet your local department stores sell a garden stone kit! You can have new foster children make a personalized garden stone, with or without a handprint, but something they are able to personalize and create just for them. Then you can add it to a garden in your yard. If and when they are reunited they can choose to leave it or take it home. The nicest thing about this project is if they choose to leave it behind, not only will you have a memory of them, but any new foster children will see stones in your garden of those who came before them, helping them to see they are not alone!

Some other traditions that you may want to consider include;

•        Apple picking
•        Sleigh riding followed by hot cocoa
•        Baking holiday cookies
•        Visiting Santa or the Easter Bunny
•        Carving pumpkins
•        Wearing Halloween costumes and trick or treating

But here is the key! Not all of these traditions will be welcome or appreciated. Get to know your foster child. Tread lightly when new traditions are being introduced. Make sure your extended family knows this and respects it as well. Discuss the traditions with your children. Recognize that some of these practices can cause more harm than good depending on the circumstance that lead a child to your home. Sometimes levels of trust and respect have to be built before you can begin creating family or yearly traditions, and that is okay! And if you have family traditions that are non-negotiable, such as Christmas or Easter Sunday, be completely upfront with your caseworker prior to getting a placement so that the right fit can be made when possible.

Season’s Greetings foster families! We are in this together, and we will get through this together–one tradition at a time, one day at a time.

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I have taken my foster kids on a ton of different outings. Some of the simplest and funniest activities they enjoy are:

1. Going to a school playground or a park just to run, play, climb, swing, slide, and giggle.

The fresh air always seems to be good for the kids, and it helps them to take their minds off the traumas they have suffered in their past, even if only for a few hours. The benefit to the foster parent is that it WEARS THEM OUT, and they sleep better. What parent doesn’t want a child that just crashes into bed and sleeps through the night?

2. Swimming

My children have always loved going swimming. Some are a little fearful of the water, especially when they are toddlers and infants, but with time, patience, and understanding the majority come to love it. If it’s the wrong time of year to take them outdoors to swim, there are numerous hotels and indoor water parks that the kids love to go to as well. Again, this is another activity that helps the kids crash into bed and sleep.

3. A Drive-In

One fun activity I did for my children was to create a drive-in movie atmosphere for them. I took cardboard boxes, decorated them as little cars, gave them a little box of popcorn, a candy, and a drink. Then I put each in their own little car in front of the TV for the evening of watching Jungle Book.

4. Animal Fun

The majority of all children love animals. If you have a local zoo or aquarium, I haven’t met a kid that doesn’t like to visit those.

5. Museums

The children I have had in my care have also loved visiting museums. The little boys especially loved tractors, horses, and cars. The little girls like the dolls and pictures.

6. Reading Time

Most of my children have asked for a bedtime story. I haven’t always had a book to read to them, so I have made up stories tell them, sometimes including the child in the story as a character. I have told the girls stories of how they were princesses living in a castle, and the boys of stories of how they have slayed dragons and rode dinosaurs. They have all loved that as well.

7. Libraries

Local libraries sometimes have story time or puppet plays that they put on for children that are little to no cost that children love as well.

8. Puzzles

Puzzles are another big hit with children. My adopted son has always loved puzzles, and he has gotten good at putting them together all on his own.

9. Coloring

Coloring is another big hit, and it seems to be therapeutic for the children as well. Drawing some of their thoughts out has also been helpful and fun for them.

10. YOUR ATTENTION!!

The biggest thing a foster parent can give to any of their foster children is your TIME. I’ve noticed it doesn’t really seem to matter what I do with them, whether it’s taking them somewhere, playing games at home, playing dinosaurs on the floor, or just curling up to watch a movie. They enjoy it all because what they want most is the time and attention of a parent figure.

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Last year, a West Virginian died every 10 hours from a drug overdose. Nine of the 10 foster children that have lived in our home were born addicted to drugs. It’s almost a sure thing in our area that when a newborn enters foster care they were weaned from methadone. Our NICUs are overflowing, and our homes are filling up as fast as they open.

Here are a few hard truths that I have learned from fostering children whose parents are addicted to drugs:

1. While your opinion matters, your judgment doesn’t.

It was hard for me to realize that on a daily basis I was 100% in charge of the four day old baby I was fostering, but 0% in charge of his future. Drugs had wrecked his family before he was even born. I was angry when I watched him shake uncontrollably. I would cry when his dirty diapers would burn his bottom. The emotion that I felt was real and understandable, but when given the opportunity to meet his parents, I quickly realized that my judgement of them was unproductive. My responsibility was to care for the baby and not to sentence them for the crime I decided they were guilty of. Good social workers will listen to your concerns and hear your requests, but judgment is left to the court judge. When you consider that, it should free you up to focus on what’s important, the health and well being of the child.

2.  Foster parenting is hard, but so is drug addiction.

A few years back, I met a girl in a hospital bed about to deliver her third child. After 30 minutes of talking with me she opened up about her abuse as a child. She was 8 when she lost her innocence, and at 14 she was pregnant after being sold for drugs. As I closed the door to her room, I tried to imagine how a 14-year-old child, who has no family, navigates the world on her own. Her child was taken by CPS because she couldn’t care for him, and she would self medicate with drugs. I said all of that to say this: I’ve never heard a little girl say “I hope I grow up, get abused, and use heroin.” Foster parenting is tough. I mean it, it’s the hardest and most rewarding thing I’ve ever done, but a lot of times our children’s parents should’ve been in our care when they were kids. That, to me, is the real tragedy.

3. To most parents drug addiction is a life sentence.

My four day old I told you about, he became my son, legally. His mother served her life sentence addicted and passed away suddenly. My daughter that we are adopting, her mother is spending her sentence in jail. While I have seen success in reunification, if you talk to those recovering, they will tell you they are serving a life sentence from addiction. Most will tell you that they think of the drug often, and that it’s a day to day fight!

After my son’s mother passed away, I was thankful for the opportunity to say that I had prayed for her. It may have been through tear-filled eyes and a tight grip around him, but four years later, I can’t look at him and not think about her.

Make sure that you treat your children’s parents with respect. Just in case you may have to stand and tell them your child his or her first mom passed away, is in jail, won’t be home, or can’t come see them, your child will know you truly cared about the things that matter most.

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Children come into care usually listed as basic care children, which just means that they have mostly your day-to-day care for their age range with minor behavioral issues. Some children come into care as what is known as moderate care. This means that these children need more than routine guidance and supervision to ensure their safety. The highest level of care that requires specialized training by the foster parent is specialized level. This level means caregivers must have specialized training, and the children must be monitored and have care 24 hours a day, every day, to ensure their safety. To learn more about the levels of foster children, their requirements, and what qualifies a child for these levels click here.

It is hard to know in the beginning of a child’s placement what level they truly need to be listed at to get the care and services that they need to improve. If you have a good agency, they can assist you in testing the child as they are in your care to learn what may be best for the child. The Department of Family and Protective Services only places basic care children, so as a foster parent if you’re needing assistance with a child who is above this level, the foster parent will need to seek an agency for assistance.

When fostering, it is best to look at each child individually…

Just because a child is listed at one level does not mean that that level is permanent; it can be upgraded or downgraded if needed. The main aspect a foster parent will want to research if they discover their child is not a basic care child is: what resources are available to treat the child’s needs, how much time will it take away from work if a parent must take time off for appointments, how much support will a parent have from case workers to obtain the treatment needed for the child, and how much travel is required to reach an appointment.

If the foster parent doesn’t have adequate knowledge, resources, and support, taking a child above a basic care level would not be in the best interest of the child nor the parent. When fostering, it is best to look at each child individually, know as much as you can about their history, watch for delays in development, or any behavior that may be out of the ordinary that would likely benefit from therapy.

Of the eight children I have fostered so far, all but two have needed some kind of therapy, whether it be physical, mental and emotional (play therapy), occupational, or speech; all were listed as basic care children. I had one who needed to be moved into moderate care as he was diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder and was extremely aggressive and strong at two and three years old. The Department of Family and Protective Services refused to allow him to be moved to that level, and he was moved to family before I could really get him the therapy he needed. This is why I stress the importance of finding a good agency and having that support to assist the foster parent in getting the most out of therapy for their child who has special needs.

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It was a friend of a friend who knew that my husband and I were working on getting our home study done to adopt an older child. She wondered if we were interested in fostering a sibling group. Two brothers and a sister, ages 9, 8, and a few days old. Her words stopped me in my literal and metaphorical tracks as I was driving home from work that day. Foster a sibling group? I had to pull over to talk and take her off speaker phone.

“Who is this again?” I wondered out loud “You’re not with our agency are you?”

“No,” she persisted, “I just know that these kids need a home, and you have one about to be open. Would you like to take these kids in?”

(Aside, this is not how you will likely get a placement call. This is not how it works. Ours is a weird sideways story to foster care. I digress)

This was not our plan. Not at this stage in the game. We had been through PRIDE classes with another agency (state-required training to begin foster parenting), and when a death in the family derailed our home study being completed that year, we began to pursue other options. We were interested in adopting teenagers, so we found an agency that worked in doing that. We were so close to that end that the idea of two little kids and an infant sent us into a tailspin.

My husband and I had no biological children. So, in many ways, we were ideal candidates for opening our doors to foster a sibling group. There were no other children to disrupt, as is often the reasoning for many parents to opt not to foster a sibling group or foster children in general. We had our home ready and we wanted children, for no matter how long or short a stay. Yes, we wanted to help foster a sibling group. Thus began a whirlwind of getting our home ready not for a teenaged boy, but two younger boys and a tiny baby girl.

After much prayer and conversation, the siblings were brought into our home by a caseworker a few weeks after the phone call. My baby (who is now three) was less than six pounds at six weeks old. My “big boys” (now 12 and 11) were the size of toddlers at only 35 pounds each, wearing 4t pants. This was not what I expected at all. However I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Two years of fostering later we got to change their names and make them our kids. Another year later and we are about to welcome two more little girls into our home permanently, a part of another sibling group. For us it was a good decision. I think it could be for you, too.

Here are a few reasons why:

1. When the siblings are removed from biological parents they still get to have and be comforted by each other. I know from watching my oldest son’s face relax when he saw his baby sister being protected how much peace siblings can give just by existing side by side. (This isn’t always the case with keeping siblings together, as we’ve also learned, but in this case it was beautiful and healing.)

2. We got more children to love. You want to open your home to a child who needs one. Adding one extra after that, or even two or three, with the right support in place is not as difficult as you might think it is. The key is the right support. That means different things for everyone. For my husband it means a foster and adoptive Dad’s retreat, and playing ice hockey. For me it means running, and chatting with other foster and adoptive moms, among other things.

3. We always wanted kids. Adding three at one time was really, really hard guys, but it was ultimately what we wanted. We love getting to help these kids grow and heal.

4. They keep each other company. When I am tapped out, big brothers are almost always good for a round of chase, tag, or to bounce on the trampoline. I cannot imagine life with my little girl without my big boys around. It would be so different. They need her and she needs them. I can’t really describe it… it just is.

5. Built in excuses to stay home. Okay this is only a plus if you’re an introvert like me, but people are a-okay with you staying home with your horde of children. At the very least they get why you might not want to leave your house. This works oh so well for me.

6. Built in excuses to do super fun stuff you wouldn’t usually do. This isn’t usually my jam, but if my kids are really excited about doing something, like attending a family camp where there is wakeboarding, for instance, I’m much more likely to go for it than not.

For real though, those are good reasons to foster a sibling group, but they are not why I ultimately chose to foster sibling groups in the beginning of the journey. The “why” for us was the thought of them being separated was worse than the thought of it being hard for us to have them all together. I can’t answer for you what your why will be, but I think if you decide to say yes when you get the call, you’ll be glad you did.

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